Suicide Loss: Survivor’s Guilt
Written by Sidney Brown, pictured above.
You've just celebrated your 21st birthday, but as you blow out the candles and look around the room, you realize that they didn't get to celebrate their 21st birthday. They passed by suicide one year before they could experience it.
Survivor's guilt is a hard topic to discuss because the tragedy in our lives seems minor compared to what the victim faced. Comparison can eat you up, but reframing helps. My brother's passing is his experience, and my survival is mine. Losing a loved one to suicide shouldn't weigh you down or make you feel guilty, but these words can't simply erase those thoughts. Still, I hope they bring you comfort in knowing you are not alone.
One suicide death leaves six or more suicide survivors behind. A 2013 article stated that 85% of people in the U.S. will know someone personally who completed suicide. With suicide rates steadily rising over the past 11 years, the number may have changed but the situation stays the same. Many of us have lost someone to suicide, and as a result, we may experience any of the following symptoms:
Feelings of helplessness
Flashbacks of the traumatic event
Irritability
Lack of motivation
Mood swings and angry outbursts
Obsessive thoughts about the event
Suicidal thoughts
It is important to identify the increased risks we face when losing a loved one. Luckily, there are resources out there for navigating this painful journey. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has an entire page dedicated to the survivors—from discussions with trained volunteers to booklets for sibling survivors. Alongside official resources, it's also good for survivors to reach out to their social support systems and community.
If you have not experienced survivor's guilt, you can still help support those that have. Small changes like normalizing the phrase “died by suicide”--just as we say “died of old age, died of cancer, etc.”--can help survivors cope with their loss; it can be isolating if the survivors are unable to explain what happened to a loved one. Another important approach is verbalizing support. When my brother passed, people seemed scared to share their condolences just because he passed by suicide. The lack of consolation further propelled the lonely feelings my family felt. The most important support you can offer a survivor is best summed up by Mandy Doria, MS, LPC at the University of Colorado School of Medicine,
“The best thing you can do is be present. Be there to listen, manage your own discomfort based on what you’re hearing, and don’t feel like you need to have the answers.”
Sources:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3777347/
https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/left-behind-after-suicide
